(408) 246-4334 firstname.lastname@example.org www.the-gardener.org t
Huh? What season? ‘Tis certainly past the jolly one (Ho Ho humbug), past the happy one (Yea, burp), and our two female cats are not in heat. Why, ‘tis the season of change! Look outside, nay, GO outside – plenty of sunshine, which is good, right? Temperatures in the upper sixties do a body good, except they are abnormal, as was the immediately preceding period of intense, abnormal, cold, as was the mediatory incessant rain that filled our reservoirs.
Change is good, right? New products supersede old ones, plumping up profits. Do See Do, change partners, a new life ahead. Why wash that dirty shirt when you can buy a new one? The new one will have smart fibers that transmit your vital functions to a medical monitor which will automatically dispatch an ambulance if they sense you’re having a heart attack. That would be an unwelcome change for most people.
Some things, however, do not change. Why do men have nipples? Because the Bible has it wrong. Men were not created from a spare rib. Reproduction is the essence of life, so first there were women. Then evolution amended God’s plan with a slight improvement – genetic variation. Like bees bearing pollen from distant flowers, men from distant places fertilize women who, without such refreshment, would continue to reproduce themselves without being much affected by changes in their environment. But after seven days, God said, “I’ve done enough, and it is good.” Evolution was on its own and, being pressed for time, made men by replicating women minus their reproductive organs, while outfitting both genders with complementary organs for sexual mating. As is often the case in bureaucracies, where coordination is lacking, previous departments were staffed without regard to ongoing functional requirements. Or it may have been a case of over caution. When electric starters were developed for automobiles, many still came out with a hole in the radiator in which to insert the hand crank. But if men were meant to suckle babies, just in case, why didn’t the bureaucracy provide funding for this?
I’ll bet when scientists get their DNA mojo working, they’ll discover why men have nipples. But here you have it, unpublished in any other form.
Currently I am reading Adam Smith, “The Wealth of Nations.” Recently I finished Karl Marx, “Das Kapital.” Next in line, H. G. Wells, “The Outline of History.” And after these, our Christian Bible. And probably this sequence will be interrupted by the arrival of “Beer Belly Blues.” In none of these can anyone expect to learn why men have nipples. Why not? Such an obvious conundrum, so basic that anyone can stumble upon it, should have drawn the attention of great minds. Instead, they have been concerned with the generation of wealth and its distribution; with the formation of classes within society; with who rules; with why rulers have succeeded in grabbing most of the wealth while enslaving most of humanity. All humanity has nipples – the one, great, unifying factor! Why?
Even the religions of the world, while preaching unification, under their particular banner of course, ignore the nipple factor. To recognize it would mean including everyone – atheists, unbelievers, Jews, Nazis, Christians, Muslims, suicide bombers, Buddhists, communists and prostitutes, transgender drug addicts – everyone!
Perhaps people are too inhibited. Men can go about shirtless. No one cares about their functionless nipples. No one has ever said to me, “You have such nice nipples.” Women normally are required to cover their nipples. What might ensue if I ask the next woman I meet, “May I see your beautiful nipples?” Our great unifying factor is deliberately ignored, even shunned.
Yet we are all created equal. Not just men, but also women, masters and slaves, rich and poor, all are equally endowed.
Rather than bemoan the universal mistreatment of that which we universally share; rather than spend too much time and energy analyzing this fundamental mistake; rather than pondering the impossible task of assigning blame, let us give thanks for finally discovering the obvious. Let us heave a sigh of relief, giving all those nipples a big boost, and then have a good laugh, making them dance and ripple – time to throw off the shackles!
I propose a new holiday: Nipple Day. Unlike other holidays, Nipple Day will be celebrated whenever anyone feels like celebrating, and thus everyday is a holiday in the name of nipples somewhere. Imagine, a true people’s holiday not declared by any government, religion, corporation, or town, but spontaneously arising of its own accord everywhere.
You might receive a card at any time: Seasons Greetings, Peace on Earth, Happy Nipple Day.